It’s coming through now. No more sleepy morning cuddles. No more relaxing together and companionable tail hugs. No more playing computer games together and holding her at night. Everything is grey https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iNiUG33rSyY

I’m remembering how funny and sweet Melbcat was, feeling like a monster for just numbly powering through the first week after she died as if nothing had changed, handling everything and speaking so much on everything else (including this other cat) like she hadn’t just died. I was hysterical while making the decision but afterwards something broke and shut off.

Missing her big soft teddy body, her warm weight against me, and the silky thickness of her fur. The tiny snoring and the granny grumbles. Her head on my shoulder. The holding onto items (and me) with her prehensile monkey tail. The pops of her claws catching on the carpet as she walked (she passively resisted having them cut) and the ding and lap of her having a drink. Crunching of her beloved biccies. The familiar sounds are gone. The routine is gone.

Wondering if some of her odd behaviours were her trying to tell me how sick she was. I’m seeing dead-on signs in hindsight. But I never understood. Despite all the vet visits they never picked it up. Even though I had her seen repeatedly in that time I still wish I hadn’t been so complacent in those weeks after minor surgery (intended to prevent something like this) and at least known sooner that I couldn’t save her. Chemo or surgery wouldn’t have saved her because she was also having heart failure. I found out then made a hard decision that night and had her put down the next day.

I think I need to step back from the black cat emotionally because he’s indicated plainly that he doesn’t want help, I can’t just fix the situation, and I need to focus on myself. He could never replace her and I’m not even seeing him around right now due to sleeping my life away.

I will be removing the half-made quarantine setup and returning my back room to how it looked when Melbcat was alive. Even if she’s not around to drink water or sleep there in the sun I wasn’t ready for it to have changed. The beds and bowls in the front room remain untouched (except the blanket in the hidey box was removed for washing). Even the litterboxes are still in their spots. Every time I do laundry or vacuum I’m removing the traces of her from my house and soon all I’ll have left is a bag of whiskers, a bag of shed fur from the brush, digital photos and her ashes.

I didn’t take enough photos towards the end. I didn’t know it was coming.

I’m debating sharing photos from her life but trying to pick the best ones that don’t show too much of my surroundings or my face. The ones from afterwards look so peaceful, like she’s only sleeping in my arms, but I don’t know if that’s appropriate to share and wouldn’t just post those without warning.

My sleep pattern is so bad and my mental health has been worse. I’ve been randomly having anxiety and grief crashouts so bad I puke but also desperately trying to regain some control and fix everything to try and ease my mind. Been talking with people about Melbcat and showing cute photos of her but nothing seems to help. I wish I could just cry normally, break down and howl like an animal but it doesn’t feel safe to do that with the people in my block.

It has never in my life been safe to stop and fully openly grieve and usually I’ve had to compartmentalise to survive the next immediate crisis. https://www.tumblr.com/sometiktoksarevalid/803770369219624960

I reached out to the rescue contact and explained the trapping difficulties, said I could try and detain the cat in the house for a chip scan and maybe foster.

But the pressure to keep him was intense and she even straight up said he would help me get over Melbcat. I was halfway through setting up a quarantine area with an enclosure but got overwhelmed and had a bit of a breakdown.

I was dreaming of paying for more operations for a still living Melbcat, taking shady abusive jobs and pretending she was another cat for discounts to afford them. Yeah I’m really not mentally okay.

so I was able to give food and apply this month’s spot on. But he hissed when I gently picked him up a few inches off the ground. He was also most distressed by the paper collar, dodging and more hissing while I tried to put it on him. It’s on, without even restraining him because I’m just that deft.

But yes, he sat around being angry about the collar for a minute and he’s now run off quite pissed with me. There’s been a rupture of trust.

I’m now less confident about quarantine or fostering, and if he went into the system the hissing risks him being put down.

But I know someone who used to work in cat rescue, and they know someone down my way who is still actively involved. They will be able to scan him on site for a microchip and would be able to trap him if I want to go ahead with that. There are foster homes that completely bypass the danger of the overwhelmed kill shelter. I’ve also passed on his picture to be posted in lost and found groups.

It will be devastating to give him up as well if it comes to that and I haven’t fully decided if that’s something I want to do. Hoping to get him back to an owner while mulling over a name and trying to think if I could foster. I’m just really not okay and don’t know if I can reliably care for him right now. So… decisions. Winter is coming and even with insulated beds I don’t want him out there with his bad chest.

I guess the first thing is to find out whether he’s still owned. Then every decision can flow from there.

I’m still having intrusive images of Melbcat’s final day and memories of her alive. I hear a little sound and think she’s coming back into the room. I’m unable to finish tasks now. Sleeping all the time and falling into deep depression. I can see it happening.

I’ll foster sweet boy in an emergency if I can get help but feeling absolutely raw and not functioning.

I’m hoping to get the black cat back to an owner if possible or at least some clarity on next steps to take. I looked fruitlessly on Facebook (without an account) for black cats missing in my area, made a dedicated email to put on a paper collar, then made a quick Found poster with his picture. After that who knows.