I don’t know if this is normal or not because when I was a little girl I had a difficult childhood, and I was diagnosed with depression when I was 12. The depression seems to be gone now, but what seems to be lingering is this “blindfolded on a rollercoaster” feeling. It’s where I get mood swings that last only a few hours at most, and after the mood swing has ended I’m back to normal like nothing happened. My opinions of myself and world views will change just as rapidly and I’m basically having this constant battle with an inner voice that’s in my head constantly telling me conflicting things.

“Adults who cry need to grow up” “crying is a mature and healthy way to express sadness” “no it’s not, if I see even a family member who is crying over someone dying I’ll tell them to grow up and walk out the room smiling because I’m right. I am very good” “no that’s terrible, you should be compassionate to your fellow human beings” + (rinse/repeat)

“You’re a bad person, you deserve bad things happening to you, stop trying to be good” “you’re a good person you deserve to enjoy things and feel happy” + (rinse/repeat)

“You don’t deserve to have a boyfriend, imagine him having to put up with you” “you deserve to have a boyfriend, you need someone to love and keep you company” + (rinse/repeat)

This always results in confusion, like I don’t know who or what I am, and then I get angry. No joke, I’ve thrown and broken things during this. Sometimes, my inner voice tells me I’m stupid or slow. So then I’ll think “you think I’m slow? I’ll prove you wrong. I’m the best” I then speed things up and rush things which sometimes causes accidents.

My mood is very sensitive to certain things. Like if I said something that sounded a bit weird I’ll kick myself over it, if someone left a conversation early my inner voice is like “look what you did, you made it awkward and now that person finds you weird and doesn’t like you” “I need to slap this person now” and I’ll get angry and then when that person comes back to me and explains “sorry I had to leave the conversation early to check on something” and they’re normal with me that feeling instantly goes away. Sometimes my inner voice mimics things bullies have said to be long in the past and it’s in their voice. Sometimes my inner voice mimics my parent’s voices.

I feel like I’m constantly being harassed by my inner voice and I don’t know which side is the real me. Whenever I tell people about how my inner voice is, they just look at me weird like “huh”, so I get the impression that this is normal and I just suck at dealing with it but I find it mentally exhausting when I have a particularly active day of this.