How would I feel? Uncomfortable. What would I do with that feeling if it’s based on exclusively my knowledge of their ages? Nothing.

When I was 28, I dated a 43 year old and it was a fine relationship. He agreed to stay in shitty hotels when we traveled because it was all I could afford and I didn’t want to take his money. He was definitely more emotionally mature and experienced than I was though and that’s what made us ultimately incompatible.

Bit weird but none of my business.

When I was 25, I would have said “of course it’s not a problem, they’re both adults. As long as they’re happy it’s fine.” and that is true, but now that I’m closer to 46 I have some additional caveats around “as long as they’re happy”.

You know how in order to really develop a skill, you have to do it for a long time? I think relationships are like that. If I were to compare it to chess, this scenario is kind of like someone who’s been playing chess competitively for 20 years playing against someone playing their first major tournament. It doesn’t mean that the more experienced player is guaranteed to win, or even that they’re better at chess, but it does confer some advantage because playing in a tournament is very different from playing chess casually or in clubs. There’s money at stake, your reputation is on the line, people may be watching you play and commentating in real time. It’s just a different activity altogether, even though it is still technically “just playing chess”. It really helps to get a few tournaments under your belt to get comfortable with the nerves, the additional tournament rules, publicly making a really stupid error, etc. If it’s your first time you might make some rookie errors. That’s part of being a rookie.

Where the analogy breaks down is that with chess, there is a brief competition with clear rules and referees, and there is (almost) always a clear outcome: win, lose, or draw. With relationships, A) it’s supposed to be cooperative, not a competition, and B) if your relationship partner is skilled at manipulation, you could be in a losing position for a long time and not know it, because you haven’t had the time to develop the skills necessary to identify what a dysfunctional adult relationship looks like.

This doesn’t mean that a relationship with a small age gap can’t be toxic, or that relationships with a large age gap can’t be healthy and happy.

But

I have observed a pattern of older people (usually, but not exclusively, men) who serially date young adults because those young people don’t recognize the signs of a toxic relationship. These are rookie errors, and there is no shame in them. Everyone that does anything new has a rookie period, and this includes adult relationships. These older people take advantage of that naivete instead of working on themselves to become the kind of partner that people want to stay with after really getting to know them. As soon as these young partners begin to understand these problems and challenge them, they end the relationship and trade them out for a younger model. You can be unhappy in a toxic relationship for a long time and be unable to identify why you are so unhappy, because they know the tricks. Undercut your partner’s relationships with their other friends or family, accuse them of not being smart enough or loving enough or patient enough, make them financially dependent on you. There are a lot of tricks, and people refine their techniques with each partner. And when you’ve just started having adult relationships, you are at a serious disadvantage if you wind up in a relationship like this because you just haven’t lived long enough to see firsthand how this kind of thing plays out.

It’s not that there’s anything intrinsically wrong with it, but it does ping my danger radar. My danger radar sometimes gets false readings, but I still pay attention to it.

None of my fucking business.

See, that’s the thing about people being grown-ass adults. They get to decide what does and doesn’t work for them.

And, despite people that want to knee jerk the matter, there’s less difference between those two ages than there is between a 21 and 25 year old.

Personal development is heavily front loaded. By the mid to late twenties, most people are who they’ll always be. Friendship, romance, whatever. The only real barrier to age gaps are cultural touchstones and a handful of probable experiences (like job stuff, kids, etc) that aren’t even guaranteed to not be present.

Folks just get all het up over it because they’re morons that can’t look outside of themselves long enough to realize that their motivations and concepts towards other people aren’t actually universal.

Two consenting adults are just fine, and nobody else has an opinion that matters about them

People on reddit and lemmy have weird ideas about relationships ought to be.

Provided that both people are adults then age in itself isn’t a problem.

I mean, if a 25 year old has several 50 year old “boyfriends” who each give her a stack of pocket money each month and pay her rent and everything, more power to her right?

The problems arise from a power imbalance. If an older guy has manipulated a younger woman into getting trapped in a shit relationship then that sucks but its not the age that’s the problem.

Whatever. They’re both old enough to know better.

People in different stages of life like that generally don’t have a ton to relate on. Can it work? Sure. Does it usually work long term? Nah

Are you seeking validation, or condemnation?

None of my fucking business.

its pretty wierd, i knew a former co-worker in another job she was 29, dating a 45-46yo, of course the mom was pissed because hes almost as old as her(long story why the mom was involved). also because such a huge gap, and life experience too. maybe 5-10years is okay, but almost 15-20yo your senior.

also the huge gap in life experience, a 25yo might not have a career yet, family, children, while a 45yo more than likely experience multiple partners and have career,etc. also its a POWER imbalance too.

Dating fine, but if going for a long term commitment, it may be rough to be in your 60s with a partner in their 80s. They have to understand if they are theoretically on that path and that their relationship will transform into elder care at some point. Also before that the older one will stop keeping up sexually.

If both see it as a short term fling, probably ok. The 46 year can probably keep up with a 25 year old in the ways that matter, and may have enough money for some interesting experiences to share.

(46/2)+7 = 30. 30 is the floor. 25 is too young.

I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong, but I’d be concerned about the power dynamics involved with such an age gap.

Assuming both are consenting adults that actually love and care for each other, okay by me. 👍❤️

A bit of a rough one, but I’d say it’s passed the point of concern. IE I tend to view it in life stages. 25-46 is IMO a lot less creepy than say, 20 dating 30. In spite of the gap being halved. Graduating college is a big step, getting started in a career.

Once you are in a career path, life doesn’t really change all that much. age differences don’t matter so much anymore provided both are past all the big shifts.