The mantle of greatness on my shoulders is getting heavy. It sounds horrible but I totally get why so many of us fall to either affairs, alcohol, or divorce.
Its just SO unrelenting. Its a nightmare. I have no energy to do anything after a 60 hour work week, cooking, cleaning, walking youngest to bed until 11 pm and then waking up at 5. One day off a week. I’m just so fking over it 🤢
Middle aged family man here. The way I think most “handle it” is by having less on their plate and balancing work and life in a different way than you’re describing.
- For me the most important factor is partnership. My wife and I split up our responsibilities equitably and we each play our roles well. We’re also flexible enough to cover and support each other when needed. If you can’t do that for each other you don’t have a partnership.
- The second most important thing is a strong support system. We intentionally moved to a place where we have a lot of family close by before starting our own family. My inlaws make it possible for my wife and I to each work a 40 to 50 hour week while ensuring our kids have a rich home life and don’t miss out on anything. That doesn’t have to be family though. It could be a mix of school and after care, or a church, or friends, but if you don’t have some support system you will eventually collapse under the weight.
- Pick your battles. It’s OK to have takeout or heat up a frozen dinner if you don’t have the bandwidth to cook sometimes. My house is always clean and sanitary, but it’s also constantly messy.
- Like many things in life there is an element of attitude to it. If you give in to defeatism it’s easy to spiral. If you view your family or home life as a weight on your shoulders you’re doomed. That should be the wind at your back. That should be the stuff that lifts you up. That’s entirely on you to sort out. IMO you should probably talk to someone about it.
Overall What your describing is that you’ve built your life in a way that doesn’t work for you. And to your point a lot of men who do that opt for solutions that make it worse (affairs, substance abuse, etc…). You’re not going to wake up tomorrow and things are suddenly better. At the very least , you need to take active steps to find a better job or work out a different balance of responsibilites with your partner.
Good luck, stay strong, I’m rooting for you.
For me the most important factor is partnership. My wife and I split up our responsibilities equitably and we each play our roles well. We’re also flexible enough to cover and support each other when needed. If you can’t do that for each other you don’t have a partnership.
This is a big one. Like… I can cook, but I hate doing it. My wife went to culinary school in her youth and enjoys it. So she does nearly all the cooking, and I generally take care of dishes and laundry. She does the periodic sweeping, and I’m more inclined to mop and/or vacuum, take out trash, and general maintenance stuff. I handle our finances for the most part, but I don’t keep up on news and info well. She has time to keep up on financial, political, and tech sector news and keeps me informed on anything important so I’m aware of things going on that could potentially affect us financially. We’ve got a balance of chores that works for us, and doesn’t leave either of us annoyed or exhausted.
Concur with this post. It is hard though. Good news, the pain doesn’t last forever, but the reward/pride of having made it through intact does last. You can do it brother. Don’t give up
I’ve been there and back, and I am currently there again.
I didn’t really realize I was middle aged until I hit 39. It’s been a blur for years. I’m finally making enough to possibly own a home soon. We’ll see how my work holds up in this economy. But honestly. I don’t even think about it. Just be you and take it one day at a time. Stop looking for tomorrow when it’s today.
You have to make time for yourself boss. You need to set boundaries with your job as well. 60 hours is too much.
Well said, as that is what I do.
But god, it’s hard to set those boundaries so many times… Compromising on pay is one option, but it is certainly not great. Having said so, priorities did change when we had the kids.
Idk how anyone handles anything, we’ve somehow turned this beautiful world into an absolute nightmare.
Just some random advice that has helped me. I don’t work as many hours but maybe this could help you:
- My wife and I give each other 2 hours breaks on the weekend or “slow” days if they happen. This makes an insane difference. Having that time feels like a mini vacation. Even smaller breaks can help a ton.
- Simple dinners (30min max to prep and cook) help a lot. Meal prep if you have time or buy meals that you just need to pop in the oven. Not awesome but better than spending a ton of time in the kitchen.
- Make at least one plan for yourself a week. Something like meeting a friend for lunch can help me to look forward to something.
- Having either my wife or myself look after the baby helps ensure the other person can get some work or cleaning done. When we both are with the baby all the time it will mean more work later.
- Some days just suck but it’s not always going to be that way.
Look, you need to find some way to get some you time. Start small. Only you can figure out what that means. But you’re absolutely right that it’s unrelenting, and it won’t stop. Talk to someone (a friend or a therapist). Don’t let it stay bottled up.
Good luck!
We aren’t. In the US capital has robbed us of anything resembling a family focused life.
Just keep On, keeping on. One day at a time. Anything for the kids. Then catch up on sleep 20 years later.
My youngest is now at college so I can finally just chill. But I’m “lucky”, he’s been calling me a lot since no one else answers after midnight. Struggling to get up for work reminds me of the good old days of getting up for diaper changes
Kudos for talking up, mate. Great starting point.
We do share your pain.
Pro tip. Work 40 hours a week.
This. It might be financially difficult, but you know what’s harder financially? Mental breakdowns, hospital stays, divorce cases, jail time. All of those are on the table when you work that much. Quit your job if you can, take as long a vacation as you can afford, remember why you enjoy your family’s company, and then ease your way back into working—at a reasonable schedule.
It’s not a cure-all. You probably still need therapy (there are places that offer grants and assistance with counseling). But a good work-life balance makes everything else feel like something you can handle.
I resisted marriage counseling, but my amazing wife patiently persisted in a non-threatening way. It’s been great. I feel like I got my teammate back. If you read, check the research work on love by the Gottmans. Very useful for me and easy read/listen.
+1 Its a great workbook
Marijuana. Psychedelics. Alcohol. Massage. The usual.
Results may vary.
I find I’m generally happier without alcohol lately.
How do middle aged family men handle it?
Simple living. That work should be treated only as a means to live, rather than allowing work to consume the individual.
You are just overworked and therefore tired. 60h plus kids? It’s a matter of time when your physical and metal health collapse. First thing to do, consider how to move to a 40h per week job. My 4 year old and 1,5 year old sons sleep at 8 or 9 p.m. Could you change the kids habits so you all could go to sleep earlier and thus get more sleep?
It’s hard for everyone. 60 hours of work week sounds like you need a new job. That’s not something that can be sustained over the long haul and I don’t think it leaves you time for an affair or drinking habit. In terms of practical changes: Transition your kid to 9pm bedtime, get help with the cooking and hire someone to clean each week if you have to work that much and can’t do anything about it for now.
My husband has a busy season - during this time I do more of the household stuff because he is working 9-9 six days a week. I have a busy season too - during this time I don’t try to cook every day, husband helps out more.
But all year we get help with cleaning, every other week.
