I’m in a strange boat. My bio mom was young when she got pregnant so I was put up for adoption. My adoptive mother was a cold, cruel woman who was emotionally and physically abusive; adoptive dad just ignored it and told me to not upset her. She did things like withhold medical attention to extract confessions about things I’d done she didn’t know about, destroyed personal objects like toys/clothes/cds, told me she didn’t love me but was legally obligated to take care of me, left me on the side of the road when I was 6 so the coyotes would eat me, stoked fears of a werewolf under my bed so I wouldn’t get out of it after she put me in it (needless to say, I pissed the bed well into elementary school because of that, which I got beaten for).

I had a lot of rage as a youth, though almost exclusively self-harm. Found punk in my teens and channeled the rage for my mother into rage at authority in general, and eventually found productive means of achieving that rather than mindless violence at whatever I think oppresses me. Still, 30yrs later, I love to thrash and be thrashed in a pit and the measure of a good night is “am I bruised and bleeding”.

But, I found my calling in dog rescue and training, a career where cruelty, heavy-handedness, and force are ill-serving. It’s a field a lot of men struggle in (unless they just beat a dog into submission) because the mannerisms and bravado the define how western society tells men they should act will make a scared, under-socialized, untrusting dog reject them. The terrified, the deaf, blind, wheelchair bound dogs are my specialty because I have an inner gentleness the, by social standards, would be called effeminate. I’ve helped hundreds over the years and it is one of the proudest achievements of my life.

I found my birth mother well into adulthood. She’s a hospice nurse and cat rescuer whom I share an uncanny amount of personal quirks with despite zero association aside from genetics. We’ve become wonderful friends and I have integrated into my bio-family after 20yrs of no contact with my adoptive one. I did get one boon in my childhood though. One set of grandparents were the kindest, gentlest, most loving grandparents anyone could hope for and quite likely the reason I didn’t end up a total sociopath or suicide.

My mother was in no way, shape or form an affectionate mother for me growing up. But I have several times in my life heard that I am unusually calm, patient and pleasant to be with, so I guess one can avoid being shaped too much of ones upbringing if life is humbling enough in other ways.

There is no right answer to great big stereotypes like this. Sure, raising someone with love and tenderness can keep them from growing up into a big violent asshole. I call that a good outcome. But in previous generations, this was somehow made into a bad thing. “The women made him soft!” That’s hardcore patriarchal bullshit and an excellent example of men oppressing men.

It sounds like you may be deep in the pocket of that oppression, if you think that “stoic as hell except for occasionally getting mad” is neutral. That is not neutral dude. That sucks. I’m sorry you dad never showed you love and kindness, to the point where you question your mother for doing so. Wake up from this for your own sake.

My mother was the farthest thing from affectionate, my parents were divorced so my father wasn’t around that much when I was growing up.

I’m not sure “gentle” is the first word I would use to describe myself, but as an adult I’ve dedicated my life to adopting animals in need. Generally it’s hard to build trust with an animal if you do not have a “gentle” side.

Maybe it was the animals who taught me how they wanted to be treated, but I can sure as hell say it wasn’t my mother who taught me how to be warm and affectionate.

I don’t think its good to generalize. There are many opportunities to learn kindness/affection/gentleness throughout ones life, some from their mothers, some from fathers, from grandparents, etc. It is a culture, like art or music, if you never have exposure to it then you won’t know much.

It’s nature vs. nurture.

Babies are not blank slates molded entirely by their environment, nor are they born what they will only be.

This seems like the Nature vs Nurture question in what influences a person’s personality during the earlier development years and I’m pretty sure the answer to it is currently unknown. I also don’t think there is really any ethical way to test it.

Us smart monkeys are a product of so many things. You are asking about one single aspect. A loving, caring parental home makes it likely the kid doesn’t turn into a psychopath. The reverse is probably also true. But neither is guaranteed.

No