I go to work to work because I need a paycheck, not to make friends.
Where I am there is a new coworker that to me acts needy (think of Slow Horses’s Struan Loy), tries befriending me, but he invariably asks if everything’s ok. I don’t care about this person’s life.
The first 2 times I didn’t think anything of it, but he asks that every day and it’s becoming tiring.
I feel mobbed and stalked, mobbed because he keeps insinuating there is something wrong with me just because I don’t ask him about his private life and do my job, and stalked, because he is so fixated on me.
going to HR over this seems ridiculous, but I’m starting to hate his voice.
This website completely changed the way I thought about this stuff and I found it super helpful.
The line to walk, generally speaking, is, “When you do [specific behavior], it makes me feel [specific emotion].” So for example, “When you ask me if everything’s ok, it makes me feel pressured/put on the spot.”
Keeping it about your own feelings makes it less confrontational while still bringing attention to the problem - you don’t wanna get drawn into a whole debate about whether there’s anything wrong with asking if someone’s ok, but you want him to understand how you feel and (hopefully) take that into account in the future. If he does get defensive, repeat the message once to make it clear you’re standing your ground, but then drop it and move on. A lot of times it’s just a matter of the other person not realizing how it affects you.
Having said that, speaking as someone who’s very much had the same mentality in the past, there are a lot of advantages to having friends in the workplace. Something to understand about this approach is that it’s actually good for building relationships because it allows you to confront the behaviors that bother you while openly communicating your feelings, and people may even respect you more for standing up for yourself. Just remember to walk a middle ground, you don’t want to veer into aggression or passivity.
“Look man, I appreciate the concern, but really, I’m fine. I just prefer not to socialize.” Then divert your attention to something else.
Or you could pull an SGDQ and go with the ol’ “I would really prefer it if you would be quiet.”
“Please stop asking me if everything’s OK. Everything is fine and your concern is appreciated, but I prefer to work in silence and I’m not getting any right now.”
Or just stop after the first sentence.
Have you tried saying, “Please don’t ask me that anymore”?
That will address the exact problem without being rude, without offending him, and without opening it up for more questions. You don’t owe him an explanation, so don’t leave an opening for one. Just say: “Please don’t ask me that anymore.”
If he asks why, you say, “Doesn’t matter. Please don’t ask me that anymore.”
If he offers an explanation for why he’s asking you that, you say, “Ok. Please don’t ask me that anymore.”
Neat and easy. No unintended consequences.
You didn’t tell us when he asks if everything is OK. That is a large omission, and I hope you can update the original post with examples of what led up to the question being asked. Also, what is the setup there? Are you working at Subway making sandwiches? Do you have adjacent desks? Do you show up to work with black eyes? We are left wondering what’s up.
Certainly anyone who repeatedly asks “Are you OK?” is exacerbating some issue, but I would be hesitant to offer any advice about what you ought to do without reading more details.
(In other words, the missing missing reasons applies here just as it did in the original scenario, for those who remember it.)
Tell him the truth. He’s so annoying you asked a bunch of randos on the internet what to do about hi.
going to HR over this seems ridiculous
It’s not.
More to the point, you should do so before he beats you to it, complaining that you’re not being a “team player” or something.
“Everything is good, thanks. Staying busy with work…” and then either get back to work or stare at them until it gets awkward. Its possible they have trouble with social cues and you seem friendly or nice or whatever, people are weird and being a new employee is stressful so trying to latch onto someone who comes across well can be a thing that happens. I try to redirect people like this to the topic of work and answer any personal question with something boring. What did you do this weekend? Laundry. If they have any self awareness they will eventually only talk to you about work. Stay professional and don’t be rude while making it clear you are at work to do work and have no interest in their personal life or sharing any details of yours.
“I’m sure you’re perfectly nice as a friend, but I’m not looking for a friend. I like to keep my work and private life separate, and I’ll thank you to do the same around me. Don’t think I dislike you; but for me, personal chat is an unwelcome distraction.”
Don’t say it, send it in an email.
Carry it printed on a sign behind your back until he pops up, then whip it out after the first question. Then walk away after he’s read it, while conspicuously taking handwritten notes and looking back over your shoulder.
This is the best answer. Not that you even owe them this much of an explanation. But it provides enough detail to satisfy them and succinctly tells them in corporate language to fuck right off.
“What’s wrong?”
“You keep pestering me when I want some quiet time.”
You’ve got to be realistic about things.
“I’m not interested. Please leave me alone.”
Seconding that.
Not cruel, but firm and transparent. Not too escalating, but not too subtle. Spot on.
Without knowing more about the situation, the best response is impossible to determine.
Are they fixated on you because they think you have social needs?
Has everybody else told them off because he is annoying and by not telling him off you are granting some degree of (passive) acceptance that he is needing?
Is he romantically interested in you?
“Look man, I just have no interest in having work friends. I am here to do my job and go home. You are distracting me from doing my job and I don’t appreciate that.” Or whatever.
Going to HR may be the smart move to avoid him going to HR about you not being friendly or a team player or whatever nonsense if you professionally tell him off. I wouldn’t tell HR you are being harassed, just tell them that he is distracting you from work and don’t appreciate it. If he continues after HR talks with him, then tell HR you feel harassed.
You going to HR can also take place of talking to him yourself. You talk to HR and ask them to tell him to let you work, they talk to him so you don’t have to try and navigate his bullshit and you get the issue noted to support your side of things.
To add to this, OP may want to put their thoughts down in writing. An email or memo or note or anything as long as it’s not a text or other personal non work form of communication.
Lay it all out, over write it, put too much detail and then pare it down to what OP believes to be acceptable. Have some copies of it.
Give them the written missive that boils down to “leave me alone” Make a note of the time and date.
If the co-worker keeps being a pest, go to HR, with a copy of the missive, and a note of the date it was given to co-worker so that co-worker cannot wheedle their way into making it about them trying to “help” OP.
Also, fuck every co-worker who pulls unprofessional shit like this. It’s abhorrent and borderline harassment.
This whole comment right here.
I was thinking the romantic interest thing right out of the gate. I like your emotional need take, too. Either way it’s not work appropriate esp. if OP has communicated their disinterest before.
I also like your direct communication prompt.
While you’re right about how HR works/how to go about it, I find HR a hammer when a finesse tool might work. OP could ask their manager how to deal with it. Not only does this put it on the radar, but it’s a bit less official, and might yield the gray zone outcome OP is looking for
I have a similar coworker, was constantly coming by and trying to start up conversation. Asking what I did the weekend etc. Why I don’t like their pears etc.
Finally one Monday morning when they came by wasting time I pulled off the headphones and asked "do you have a work related issue you need help with? " their response was “no I’m just socializing” I responded with something implying they’d actually be good at their job if they did that instead, and I’m not now or ever interested in socialising with them. They finally buggered off.
My coworker put up a sign that says, “I don’t have time to chat.”
I’d always suggest being direct instead of waiting for other people to take a hint. Tactfully, mind you. Phrase it in a relaxed, emotionally neutral way that doesn’t single him out. Something like “Really, I am doing fine. When I’m at work, I just prefer to focus on the work itself instead of talking with people. I’m more at ease that way.”
That being said, is this the kind of work situation where you’re one of many options to make friends with or is it more of a you and him stuck in a room together all day type of thing? He sounds like a lonely person and if the two of you are stuck together then the best idea might be to seek a social compromise between you two’s preferences, like designating some specific portions of the day as times when it’s appropriate to have a conversation. You try to be sociable for him when it’s on, he tries to be quiet for you when it’s off.
